Why I did Ayahuasca and how it blew me apart - part 1

Frankly, I have never been the same since

As I have mentioned in previous posts, suffering has been a huge driver in my life. For many years, I was aware of a deep inner disquiet. I kept it fairly well hidden, but I was desperate for answers and wanted rid of it.

I had been on the ‘self-improvement’ quest for several years since first attending an NLP course in 2005, and while I had some valuable takeaways there hadn’t been a huge shift.

But 2013 was a seminal year. Two important things happened in quick succession, which sent me off on new tangent, eventually leading me to an utterly transformative ayahuasca retreat two years later.

I will talk about what I learned and experienced in 2013 more fully in another upcoming post, as there were some really powerful experiences and insights that year, but here are those two specific things in a nutshell.

First, I met someone who gently and effectively got me to question my strident atheism (I was a huge Christopher Hitchens fan at the time).

And second, I had a very sudden and crystal clear recognition that some of the circumstances and dynamics around me, that I had been unconsciously trying to influence and change, were completely out of my control. I had no choice but to surrender to the liberating pain of this recognition.

And that moment of surrender seemed to open things up in a big way.

I remember being alone in my flat in Brixton soon thereafter, with a deep sense that I was being guided in some way, and I just had to go with it - even though I had no idea where. I was stood in my bedroom, and for some reason shouted to no-one - ‘OKAY, I’LL DO IT!’ - without having the slightest idea what IT was, or who or what I was speaking to.

Over the next couple of years, I followed various unorthodox and eventful paths, each one leading to the next in some highly fortunate way. There were numerous serendipitous encounters during that time - which eventually led me to a new friends flat talking about some of life’s bigger questions - when he suddenly asked me if I would like to try DMT.

DMT is a very potent psychedelic, which interestingly is also naturally produced in the brain, not that I knew any of this at the time. It just looked like weed and seemed harmless enough - so I somewhat naively agreed.

As soon as I took it, I was immediately shot into another dimension, as if out of a canon. I lost all sense of my body, space and time - and moments later a smiling Hindu Goddess with numerous arms moving up and down suddenly appeared in front of me, as clear as day.

Photo by Sonika Agarwal on Unsplash

Naturally, this was quite an interesting and unexpected development.

That first experience didn’t last long, and most of it disappeared from my memory like a dream, but it left an indelible mark. I returned to experience DMT numerous times thereafter, in a fearless way that I could not imagine doing now, and had so many unbelievable and bizarre experiences.

On one occasion, having passed through a heavenly realm of geometric shapes that were not separate from me, I ended up in a vast holographic dimension. Out of this vast vast mathematical field, a visual representation of my ego popped up every time a thought entered my head, repeating said thought back to me with a sarcastic look on its face, before sinking back into the field from whence it came.

Photo by FlyD on Unsplash

In hindsight, and arguably with good reason, this was when my psychological model of reality started to fray at the seems.

But more importantly, the guy who introduced me to DMT also told me about Ayahuasca, which again I hadn’t previously heard of. DMT is the active ingredient in Aya, but when you drink it, along with the Caapi vine, the effect doesn’t last for 10 minutes, it can last for 8 hours. The effects, it is often claimed, can be like ‘ten years of therapy in one night’.

As soon as I heard about Aya, I knew that I was going to do it. They do say that you should only do it if you feel called, and that was certainly how I felt in that moment. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind.

To be clear, I would NEVER advise anyone to do Ayahuasca. It is definitely not to be toyed with, as the effects can be utterly life changing. It can be EXTREMELY powerful, and utterly terrifying and brutal, as I was to find out.

That caveat aside, I swiftly booked on to a (legal) Ayahuasca retreat on a farm in the countryside in the Netherlands, run by members of the Brazilian Santa Daime church, for June 2015.

I didn’t really know what to expect, despite doing lots of research and reading about it. Nothing could have prepared me for what I would go through, and frankly if I had known I perhaps wouldn’t have booked to go.

And I certainly wouldn’t have booked a retreat for the week before Wimbledon 2015, where I would be reporting live for national Radio and TV.

But, I was very open about my decision, and told many colleagues at work. I remember one of them expressing bemusement that I would willingly choose to go and take one of the strongest psychedelics on the planet in the quest for ‘healing’ rather than go on, say, a nice relaxing beach holiday. I can only assume they were not driven by suffering in quite the same way as I was.

Next week: heading to the Netherlands and being blown to smithereens.