Why the 'anxious-avoidant' trap is no such thing

Relationships are here to make you conscious

Thanks to those of you who are free subscribers to A New Way of Being.

Some parts of this piece are behind a paywall. If you’d like to read the whole thing, please upgrade your subscription by clicking below. Becoming a paid subscriber helps to support my work which I hope provides value and may help find happiness beyond thought.

“Relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you.” - Eckhart Tolle

You may be familiar with attachment theory. It was created by John Bowlby in the 1950s. It suggests that the way we relate to others - particularly partners - is primarily formed by childhood parental conditioning. People tend to primarily fall into one of the following dominant attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, secure or disorganised.

There is also a widespread school of thought around what's known as the 'anxious-avoidant' trap. You may have read about it on social media.It suggests anxious and avoidant people are drawn together like a moth to a flame (unconsciously), and the resulting relationship can be toxic - hence the 'trap' bit.

But this doesn't have to be the case!

On the contrary, if you can lean into the challenges the dynamic induces, it can be a wonderful catalyst to show you where you are 'not currently free'. You can then observe unconscious patterns as they surface, and let them unwind.

How do I know? Because it's something my wife and I have embraced. Early in our relationship, when the ‘honeymoon phase’ had passed, our respective patterns slowly started to emerge. We butted heads a few times, then resolved to ‘do the work’ together, which was the best decision ever.

There is a nice analogy about doing ‘the work’ in relationships. It is like a spacecraft leaving earth. It takes a fair bit of fuel to get our of earth’s atmosphere, but once you’re clear - then you soar with very little in the way of effort. And that’s been our experience. We are night and day from where we started, and it’s not work now - it’s a joy! (We are going to record a podcast episode on this very soon).

But, have you also heard of 'vasopressin' bonding? No, I hadn't either…