What Are Your Feelings Trying to Tell You?

Taking responsibility for your feelings without blaming, numbing or trying to control others

Taking responsibility for our feelings is one of the most important - and challenging - things we can do.

We’ve all said things like: “he makes me angry”, or “she makes me feel guilty”. It’s easy to think other people cause us to feel a certain way, but actually they just trigger something that is already in us.

Case in point, years ago I remember a friend telling me I was insecure doing an argument. I was angry at him because it stung. Why? Because it was true - I did feel insecure, I just tried to hide it. It didn’t feel like it at the time but he was doing me a favour, by drawing attention to an unconscious belief that was lurking in the shadows.

To be clear, it is valuable to differentiate between feelings we create internally - like anxiety, shame or guilt - and the painful feelings inherent in life - like grief, helplessness or sadness about someone else’s pain. As the saying goes, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

Taking responsibility is about being willing to feel your feelings, being curious about what they are telling you - and then taking taking compassionate action where appropriate.

That could mean speaking up, even if it feels difficult. It could be setting a boundary, even if someone doesn’t like it. It invariably means compassionately investigating our own unconscious patterns and limiting beliefs. Taking responsibility does not mean blaming someone else for how you feel and demanding they change so you feel better.

How This Played Out for Me

My parents – who I love dearly – have basically had the same argument for my whole life. On the surface it might seem different, but that’s just their left-brain (the thinking mind I discussed in this recent post and in this podcast conversation on YouTube) coming up with stories to make sense of old unresolved feelings arising in the moment. (This isn’t to judge my folks, as they’ve never really had the chance to tune in to what’s really going on.)

That is how patterns get passed down of course, and my own capacity for being in relationships was limited for much of my life. I struggled with intimacy and would run when things got close – my thinking mind would come up with a story why I needed to – but I see now it was a deeper fear of engulfment and abandonment.

So when Alex and I got together, I resolved that I would not turn away from my feelings. Instead I would do my best to tune into them and take compassionate action in line with what my intuition was asking of me - even when it was hard.

I remember on one occasion, early in our relationship, when Alex and I were both triggered, I felt avoidant and she felt anxious. I realised I needed to share what I was feeling without blaming her. It wasn’t particularly skilful on my part, and we both felt upset in the immediate aftermath.

But despite a little short-term turbulence, it was a really important moment. It started the ball rolling for us in terms of taking responsibility for how we felt, rather than pointing fingers at each other and saying ‘you make me feel like this’.

This way of being has become ever easier. Alex and I are so much more skilful at taking responsibility for what is ours, and apologising when we slip up. Our old patterns and core emotional wounds have gradually relaxed and released. Clearly we are not the finished product - this is a process not an event - but it is night and day to when we got together.

What I See Everywhere

I have noticed the skill of taking responsibility for your feelings is incredibly rare. In friends, family and clients - this is a pattern I see come up time and time again.

One person I spoke to recently shut down with her partner. She felt that he could be “a bit overbearing at times” and her reaction was to disengage and withdraw. I suggested something simple but powerful: don’t demand he change. Just speak honestly about how you feel without agenda or blame. That could change the whole dynamic.

A man I know resists his anxiety. He said, “I can’t believe I still feel this way. I just want to get rid of it.” But the reality is, feelings don’t go away by being pushed down or rejected - they can gradually unwind when we open to them with compassion and without agenda. I suggested he try something different: welcome and befriend the sensation while cutting the accompanying mind-made storyline.

This Doesn’t Just Apply to Relationships

Listening to our feelings and taking loving action in may be particularly challenging in relationships, but it doesn’t end there. My Gran (pictured above) is now 103 years old, still lives on her own, and is sharp as a tac. She didn’t have much in the way of formal education, the upside of which she is very in tune with her intuitive mind (right-brain).

Throughout her life, whenever she has reached a fork in the road, she slowed down, got quiet inside and waited for her intuition to guide her. The answer was rarely the easy option, and it tended to come as a ‘wordless knowing’ - but she says it has never let her down. Not a bad record for a centenarian.

Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.' - Steve Jobs

So how do we start listening to our deeper knowing? Firstly by tuning into the feeling. Moving from the head into the body. Sensing the subtle cues and opening to what they may be asking of us. That’s why bodywork is so valuable - things like yoga, QiGong, TRE and body scan meditations. And not contracting around the feelings but opening up - this way can be helpful (watch).

It’s not always easy, but is so valuable. When people talk about ‘loving themselves’, this is in my view the crux of it. Acting in alignment of our hearts knowing - even when it’s challenging.

I would love to hear you take on this. What are you like at tuning into your feelings, and acting in alignment with them? Let me know in the comments!

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Please check out my latest YouTube video with Alex, about her Out Of Body Experiences. Her energetic gifts have massively developed since we did the work of taking responsibility for our feelings (no coincidence!) She offers Reiki sessions which can be hugely powerful, so get in touch if you would like to learn more

And please get in touch if you are interested in working with me 1:1. Whether it been self-inquiry, getting in flow or tuning into your feelings to take a loving action on your own behalf - I can help. I still have a few free opening sessions left this month so drop me a line if you are keen. Here are some recent endorsements.

"Talking with Simon is a breath of fresh air. To be seen and heard in such a loving, attentive, intuitive, intelligent and authentic manner is a rare experience! I was gifted with a clarity and lightness of being that was offered effortlessly, playfully and with no judgement or expectation, just a natural flow. Don't miss the magical opportunity to dive in deeper as he holds your hand." - Giselle

‘After our sessions I felt as though there had been a profound shift. The days that followed were some of the best days I have had in many years as there seemed to be so much more space between me and my thoughts’ - Henry

‘Each session with Simon has been enjoyable and enlightening... Simon’s use of his own experiences are really helpful in grasping the ideas behind it all. After each chat I really feel like my 'cup has been filled'.’ - Jack