The paradox of seeking

You will never find it by seeking yet only seekers find it...

In 2005, I made a decision that started the ball rolling and eventually changed my life. I was working for the LTA at the time, and was suffering. I was extremely anxious and fearful about the future. I was riddled with insecurity and, despite masking it pretty well for much of the time, I was sure that something wasn’t right and that I needed ‘fixing’.

I didn’t know how I was going to ‘fix’ myself, but I vividly remember going for a walk in a park in Tooting where I promised myself that I would do whatever it took. That commitment sent me off on a quest that lasted over a decade, with numerous twists and turns, before I eventually found what I was looking for. The irony was, the answer had been under my nose the whole time, and certainly wasn’t what I was expecting. More on that soon.

Soon after making myself that promise to do whatever it took, I was stood on the platform at Baron’s Court station, reading the Metro, when I came across an advert for a Neuro-Linguistic Programming course (NLP). It claimed that anyone who attended their course would be shown how to wrestle back control of their emotions, and call on ‘confidence on command’. And so, I made the decision to fork out a not insignificant amount of cash to attend their week-long course.

To be clear, I am now not a huge fan of ‘self-development’. I don’t buy into ‘positive thinking’ or affirmations, and I even think that approach can get in the way. And yet, in my experience a paradox is that the journey to lasting contentment frequently starts by seeking to ‘improve yourself’. However, what I’ve come to realise is that eventually you have to let all that go, because the underlying premise is false. The ‘self’ we are seeking to improve is itself an illusion.

To be fair, that NLP course did put a spring in my step, that lasted for a few months. I don’t remember anything about it though, other than one ‘technique’ that enabled me to develop and subsequently stick to a gym habit. The key was to focus on the reason why I wanted to do something, and then to revisit that why whenever I needed motivation, until it became a habit.

I had been at a party, when a guy I knew made fun of my skinny chicken arms. “You been working out Simon?,” were his actual (sarcastic) words. I felt somewhat humiliated, and resolved to use that feeling of inadequacy to fuel myself to go to the gym for one month, after which time I was allowed to stop should I so desire. I asked one of the LTA’s physical trainers to write me a five-day-a-week programme, and got stuck in.

At the end of what was an intense month, during which time I stayed committed by recalling the initial sting of apparent inadequacy, I started to notice that my arm muscles were showing just a little bit of growth. I certainly felt fitter, and the exercise improved my mood too, a reward I hadn’t been expecting. And so, a gym habit was created that continues to this day.

So, I am grateful to that NLP course for two things. Firstly, helping me get and (largely) stay fit. And second, for kick-starting the quest that eventually led me back to a sense of wholeness, contentment and wellbeing that is inherent in all of us, but that so many of us tend to lose touch with. The journey was only just starting though, and I’ll be sharing the subsequent twists and turns in upcoming posts.

Back to the present though, and my book Champion Thinking: How To Find Success Without Losing Yourself has been out for just over a week. The reviews have been great, and I’m running a mini-series touching on some of the book’s themes on The Life Lessons Podcast currently, called ‘Success Evangelism - and a new way of being’. For those of you who listened to the first episode, here is the picture my wife mentioned of the sky that caught her eye one morning (it’ll make sense if you listen to the episode - she is my co-host for this series).

Thanks to everyone who has bought Champion Thinking, and a particular shoutout to those of you who left a review and entered the competition to come with me to Wimbledon for a tour and lunch. I will be announcing the winner in due course!

And finally, I am releasing a video later in which I share one of the favourite ways I know to experience reality in a completely different way. It’s a form of inquiring into our experience of reality, that reveals how our perceptions can mislead us. And I’m going to be setting up a regular call for any of my paid subscribers to join me to talk about such things - so consider upgrading if you want to join me for that. I’d love to see you there.